Austrian Rape Whistles

3db1bdc8de6c922d6318921f18833c408e2420f7ec9c39e930f517782d818b75Will the cultural-enrichment never end?

Who needs a new Beethoven or Mozart anyway, when you can have a shiny new whistle¹? All you do is go to your favourite outside event: a Christmas market, a New Year’s fireworks display, a concert – it really doesn’t matter. Then you stand around, having a good time and minding your own business.

After waiting a few minutes, several Muslim refugees will have started to grope your breasts and vagina, and perhaps even attempted to gather round you in a circle so that one or more of the Muslim refugees at the centre can attempt to penetrate you with his penis. At this point, you put your hand in your pocket (removing a Muslim refugee’s hand out of there if there’s one inside) and take out your handy portable safety device – the “whistle”. You then press the button on the whistle. If all goes well, the whistle will emit an ear-piercing ululation, and the Muslim refugees who were attempting to rape you will disperse.

It’s not known at this time if the whistles can be modified to play Symphony No. 5 or Eine Kleine Nacht-Musik, which might at least add some actual cultural-enrichment to this precious moment.

¹ The Local; ‘Rape whistles to be issued for New Year

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