Tired of being raped every time you go for a jog? Well, worry no more!

So you’re living in a Swedish municipality and you want to go out jogging? Well, who doesn’t? The problem is that Sweden’s multicultural paradise is one of the world’s top rape centres. And nobody wants to put all that effort into your jogging routine just to be raped as you slow down a little for your cooling-off portion?

Well worry no longer, because the Swedish city of Oskarshamn (pop. 17,000) has a cunning plan! That’s right – armed policemen from the city will now accompany you on your morning jog, or even afternoon stroll, to mitigate that feeling that someone is stalking you with their pants off with culture-enriching intent.

This modern-day miracle of ingenuity and science was purportedly the brainchild of the city’s diversely-genius police inspector, Peter Karlsson. So, are we to assume Peter’s down with the whole Swedish Muslim-rape-epidemic problem? Absolutely not! Here’s one of Karlsson’s comments about rape in his city and around Sweden:

It does not happen so much here, but people are influenced by events around the world and feel unsafe when it’s dark. [Karlsson]

That’s right! You see, there’s actually no need for rape bodyguards in Sweden, even though we’ll offer them, because, you see, follow me here, Swedes see news about female Saudi Arabia joggers getting raped. Thanks a lot there, Pete! But wait! There’s more! You’d think that inventing this incredible cultural enrichment would be enough – but no! This police force have also improvised their police vests so – get this – the police can carry their equipment and jog comfortably at the same time.

So there you have it. Grab your running shoes, get into your jogging sweats, call the armed police, and most of all – have fun!